completelycrazy | week 6 - hermann - friday post-investigation(?)

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week 6 - hermann - friday post-investigation(?)

[Hm. Well, this "judgment day" thing has Newt a little rattled. It's probably a good thing, isn't it? He's pretty sure they've won this... If not collectively, then at least he and Hermann should be in the clear. Right?

"Pretty sure" isn't sure enough to calm him down, it turns out.

Not too long after the investigation ends, Newt catches Hermann's eye and nods back toward the sewers. He wishes they had better options for meeting spots, but, well. This is it.

He leads Hermann all the way back to the beginning of the little tunnel, into the station underpass with all the flower graffiti. At least it's cleaner over here? And away from eavesdroppers, which is the most important part.

He sticks to Germann, anyway. Just in case.]

You met with the Conductor?

[but i'm not italicizing this entire pc so just pretend]

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You mean collectively deciding to cut the bullcrap and stop killing each other? [He nods.] Yeah, I was thinking that too. Like... I don't know, what else could all of this mean? No deaths this week, getting swept off to this bizarre puzzle tunnel... That has to be a good sign.

[He doesn't sound super sure about that, but that's just because he hasn't heard the Composer literally say "congrats you won" to his face yet. He won't be sure until he's sure.

But he does try to sound a little more sure. A lot is riding on being sure.]

So, um... I guess we get to go home and save the world, huh?

[He grins nervously.]

[Hermann nods along, because he agrees. This does seem promising, if somewhat ominous. They managed to pass all the "tests" along the way, at least.]

That is, assuming we haven't already. [He frowns.] I'm not sure how that's meant to work. If we come back to life, will it be in the same moment we died? Or will it be some sort of miraculous situation, like Lazarus. Will our message be redundant, or will it not be sent at all?

[...Huh. Newt has somehow failed to consider the logistics of resurrection until this point.]

I, uh, I'm not... I don't know.

[If the same amount of time has elapsed at home, they're in real trouble. More trouble than Hermann realizes. But that can't be the case. That wouldn't be fair. They're probably going to wake up after the Kaiju Drift like nothing had happened... Except for all this, of course. God, that's going to be weird, waking up almost two months ago, right back where they started.

They won't be back where they started, though. Not really. Maybe he'll remember more of the Drift once the game is over. And both of them will remember this, won't they?

Will he still have the message on his tape recorder?

He probably won't, he realizes. He's not sure how all of this is supposed to work, but he doubts anything but his consciousness will make it back from the afterlife. The thought of losing it should upset him less than it does. What if he forgets? Maybe he won't literally forget--he'd still remember the order of events, the gist of what he said, the conversation he and Hermann had a week ago. What he wants to hang onto is how he felt in that exact moment, thinking he was just a few hours from death and maybe never going to see Hermann again, attempting a one-sided reconciliation after years of festering. He'll never be able to get that back.

And what if they forget about this experience entirely? Look at what it took to get them talking here. Newt isn't sure they'll ever be able to recreate it back home. Even if they do remember, how much will stick? This closure doesn't really feel like closure, if he's being honest. It just raises more questions. What now? They talked it out. He should feel better. He should be able to put all this behind them.

He's been quiet for too long. Hermann is likely starting to worry, but Newt doesn't know what to say. He needs to come clean, he knows. Hermann should know going into this final judgment thing that Newt let him down. It's only fair, and hey, it might even help their case. Newt choosing honesty in favor of maintaining the only real friendship he's had in years? The one he basically just turned into an actual friendship instead of... whatever it was before?

He swallows. Hermann is going to hate him. He's going to hate him, or Newt just... doesn't tell him. It's not going to matter soon, anyway. If Hermann never knows, then maybe... Maybe some of this can stick.

Best not to think too hard about it.]

Hey, come here.

[He reaches for Hermann's hand and tugs him forward, gently, so as not to unbalance him. Newt meets him halfway, anyway.

But their eyes meet as Newt tilts his head up and he pauses. What the hell is he doing? He has to tell Hermann. They killed someone together. How many times has Hermann had his back over the course of this game? He's been the only person Newt could really trust right from the beginning, and that trust went well beyond their partnership. Newt has never thought of himself as the type to need another person, but without Hermann, he would've been dead weeks ago.

So, yeah. Yeah. He owes his friend this much. He'll tell him.

In a minute.

Newt leans in to press their lips together, his free hand looping around Hermann's waist to steady them both. He's fully expecting Hermann to yank himself away, pop Newt one with his cane, maybe, but he has to try. Fortune favors, and so on.]

[Hermann does start to worry, does start to wonder what it is Newt is thinking about so hard. Maybe it's the Thing that's still sort of lingering in the air between them. They discussed it, but it wasn't... conclusive.

Maybe they can start over, maybe they can't. Maybe they can be friends now, re-evaluate whatever else they might feel. Maybe they have a foundation to stand on. Maybe none of this will matter, and they'll arrive back in their own world without any memory of this one. Will they at least have some lingering sensation, some knowledge that things changed? If not, then what was the point of all of this?

Lost in his own thoughts, he's almost startled when Newt finally speaks. He lets himself be pulled, stopping short when Newt meets him. What is this? A hug? Some sort of sincere confession? Hermann feels something that might be fear, or perhaps it's just anticipation. But of what?

Whatever he might be assuming, it isn't what he gets.

He's busily searching Newt's eyes for an answer, about to just demand it, when- when- Oh.

He's too startled to stop it, once it's started. Newt's lips are on his and that's all there is to it. His brain shorts out for a moment, blindsided. Physical affection isn't something he thinks of very often, or even at all, really. Perhaps an embrace or a light touch has crossed his mind- with Newt, even- but-

He pulls back, but not roughly, and not immediately.]

What are you-? [Despite all his many words, in two languages no less, he doesn't have any to describe how he's feeling. Surprised, but also not at all. Concerned, maybe. Overwhelmed.]

What are we doing?

[Hermann pulls away and Newt feels the ground drop out from under him. Oh god. This was a mistake. He's ruined everything. Again. Twice over. And he hasn't even ruined it the first time yet.

He pulls back a little too, but he's mostly frozen in place. What now? He licks his lips, waiting for Hermann to answer his own question. The "what" should be obvious enough, but apparently he has to explain himself anyway.]

Um. Not being stupid. [...] Alternatively, being stupid, I guess? I don't know. Moving forward. Doing something instead of wishing I'd done something. Not wasting another five years. Three years. Whatever. Pick one.

[Hermann understands what Newt is saying better than he thought he would. Doing instead of wishing. Not wasting time. It makes sense, when it's laid out like that. Hell, it's close to what he said himself last week. So then why does it feel... off?]

Don't you think we should- I don't know. Figure this out first? There's still so much of it that-

[Well, they did sort it out. Sort of.

I had feelings for you once, he wants to say. I don't know if I do now. I don't know if you know, either. Instead he says something practical. As usual.]

I just want to be sure this isn't an impulsive decision based on the idea that we might not survive tomorrow.

[Newt recoils, taking a couple of steps backward to put some distance between them. Oh, no. He really has ruined everything. He bites his lip, runs a hand through his hair, looks down. This is humiliating. Shame is a rare emotion for Newt, and he's not sure how to deal with it.

But what happened?]

Yeah, right, um... I just, uh, I just thought... [He sucks in a breath.] S-sorry.

[Some part of him wants to argue this. Hermann is wrong. The fact that they might not survive tomorrow is the reason they should jump on this now. That's... He swears he remember them agreeing on that back in the parking lot. Didn't they? Wasn't this what Hermann was getting at? Did Newt seriously misread all of this that badly?

He can't be sure. He doesn't trust his memory anymore, not after this reaction.]

Um, anyway, I, uh... I should tell you something. This is shit timing, but it's not like I've got a lot of wiggle room, so...

[He trails off. He needs a moment to get his head back in the game.]

[Hermann frowns, inwardly kicking himself. God, why is he so dense? One of the smartest people in the whole game, and this is what stumps him. But Newt's reaction is clear. He's made a mistake.]

Don't apologize. I think you misunderstand. It's not that I think we shouldn't, or we can't, it's just... That I don't want this to be the only reason. I don't want this to matter in a moment of panic and then... What if we do remember? After we return home?

[He shifts, uncomfortable.]

Will it still matter? In the same way?

[Ugh. This is the worst.]

What did you... want to tell me?

[...What? Newt has never been more lost. His emotions can't handle this amount of whiplash. He stares at Hermann for a moment, frowning and confused.

He gives up on trying to make sense of what he's feeling and instead reverts back to what he does best: Autopilot.]

Of course it will still matter, you idiot! I didn't--This isn't some--some spur of the moment thing! It's not last week all over again! I happen to be pretty damned optimistic about our chances of winning this, for the record!

[Yelling is safer.]

Do you... not want to remember, or something? I sure as hell do. I've been operating under the assumption that we will, present moment included. But if we're not going to remember, then... Shit, Hermann, we don't have anything to lose. We have, like, two more days here. We may as well--

[But either they forget it all and start from square one, or Hermann finds out what Newt has done and they're... at some new square that Newt isn't ready to deal with. These options are garbage. Why did he have to go and do that? He's never going to forgive himself.]

It'll be different when we go home. Not... Not because of us, I guess, but just, um, different. Why not ride this high, you know?

[Welcome to attempting to court this clueless asshole, Newt. Thankfully, he at least has the presence of mind not to rise to the shouting match. He knows he's somewhat invited this, in any case.]

I do want to remember, of course I do. Otherwise, what was the point?

[I don' know if I do now. I don't know if you know, either. But Newt does know. Newt is sure. He thinks they're going to win, and, if he's being honest with himself, Hermann does, too. So if they do get to remember, why not start here? Why not at least try?]

If... if you're sure about this, then so am I.

[Does he sound sure? He hopes so.]

I just- [Don't want to be disappointed again? Don't want to build this up to something in his head again, only to have it come crashing down? But this time it's different. He knows Newt already. He's not some anonymous face across the internet, through the mail. He's the man he's worked with for five years. The person he's Drifted with, murdered with, seen this horrible game through to the end with. The person he trusts more than anyone, in this world or the last.

This is the right way to do this. Starting over. Something new. Something kind of new.]

I'm just not very good at this sort of thing, I suppose. You'll have to forgive me, this is all just- [scary] -it's not something I'm used to. [What? Having people interested in him? Genuinely? As a person? As more than friends?] But you already know that, how it is.

[He gestures uselessly.]

I- [This is maybe the hardest thing he has ever said.] I don't think I really let it go, Newt. I think I only told myself I did.

[Newt pulls off his glasses to scrub his hands over his face. This should feel better than it does.

For a split second, his heart swells. It really wasn't a rejection, then. Just Hermann being overly cautious, one of the things he does best, one of the things that so dramatically clashes with Newt's entire being... That will take some getting used to if they really are going to pursue this.

And, well. They are, aren't they? That's what they're talking about. Holy shit. Despite Hermann's insistence on approaching this less impulsively, Newt hasn't thought much about what this will mean for the future. Maybe because that future is still fragile. Thinking about it hurts. It's more like a daydream now, something he wants but will never happen.

It's that realization that crushes him. He wants more than anything to just be happy in this moment, however fleeting it is. He's still going to tell Hermann, he is, but... He wants the glimpse, even if it will just make all of this that much more painful in a few minutes.]

Yeah, I... Me too. [No, that's lame. Try again.] It's... It wouldn't have stuck with me for all these years if it had just, you know, dissolved into nothing.

[He gives Hermann a one-shouldered shrug, and laughs.]

I'm not impulsive. Or--I mean I am, but not that impulsive. I wouldn't... I meant everything I said on the recording, and maybe it only came out because of, um, circumstances, but that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking it for... God, I don't know how long? Like, it's--I'm not good at this either? I don't know how to talk about, um, this stuff. And that's what's weird! Like, talking is never hard for me. It's never... I just say stuff, y'know? It works out.

[So why has every one of their conversations since their trial felt like pulling teeth? Why is talking to Hermann suddenly so damned difficult? They're supposed to be moving forward. Even rambling into the tape recorder was hard. Easier than talking to Hermann face to face, but still! That shouldn't be hard!

He huffs out a breath and puts his glasses back on. Okay, new strategy. He needs to get out of his head. Just start talking. Not yelling, though. Just talking.]

I, um... I'm scared, I guess. Because this is uncharted territory and all, yeah, but... [He pauses.] I'm gonna mess this up, you know? We've gotten this far, maybe, but look at how hard we had to work, and... And we're still--I'm--It's like, if we make one false move we could wind up right back at the beginning. I don't... I don't want to fight with you anymore, okay? But it just happens, and I don't know why we're always on the same page except, like, now.

[He sighs. He's not even sure what he's getting at. He's just wasting more of their time.]

I don't know what I'm saying. Just, um... No one knows me better than you do, especially after all this, especially after Drifting, and it freaks me out, I guess. I, uh, I care about you, y'know? And I don't want to hurt you, I don't, but--

[He starts to say it and then he can't stop and he wishes he could reach into the air and scoop them all back before Hermann processes them. Not yet.]

I did something. I tried to undo it, but Max said it was too late because we'd already killed him.

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week 6 - hermann - friday post-investigation(?)

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