week 6 - hermann - friday post-investigation(?)

[completelycrazy]

[Hm. Well, this "judgment day" thing has Newt a little rattled. It's probably a good thing, isn't it? He's pretty sure they've won this... If not collectively, then at least he and Hermann should be in the clear. Right?

"Pretty sure" isn't sure enough to calm him down, it turns out.

Not too long after the investigation ends, Newt catches Hermann's eye and nods back toward the sewers. He wishes they had better options for meeting spots, but, well. This is it.

He leads Hermann all the way back to the beginning of the little tunnel, into the station underpass with all the flower graffiti. At least it's cleaner over here? And away from eavesdroppers, which is the most important part.

He sticks to Germann, anyway. Just in case.]

You met with the Conductor?

[but i'm not italicizing this entire pc so just pretend]

Comments

[byjove]

[Hermann understands what Newt is saying better than he thought he would. Doing instead of wishing. Not wasting time. It makes sense, when it's laid out like that. Hell, it's close to what he said himself last week. So then why does it feel... off?]

Don't you think we should- I don't know. Figure this out first? There's still so much of it that-

[Well, they did sort it out. Sort of.

I had feelings for you once, he wants to say. I don't know if I do now. I don't know if you know, either. Instead he says something practical. As usual.]

I just want to be sure this isn't an impulsive decision based on the idea that we might not survive tomorrow.

[completelycrazy]

[Newt recoils, taking a couple of steps backward to put some distance between them. Oh, no. He really has ruined everything. He bites his lip, runs a hand through his hair, looks down. This is humiliating. Shame is a rare emotion for Newt, and he's not sure how to deal with it.

But what happened?]

Yeah, right, um... I just, uh, I just thought... [He sucks in a breath.] S-sorry.

[Some part of him wants to argue this. Hermann is wrong. The fact that they might not survive tomorrow is the reason they should jump on this now. That's... He swears he remember them agreeing on that back in the parking lot. Didn't they? Wasn't this what Hermann was getting at? Did Newt seriously misread all of this that badly?

He can't be sure. He doesn't trust his memory anymore, not after this reaction.]

Um, anyway, I, uh... I should tell you something. This is shit timing, but it's not like I've got a lot of wiggle room, so...

[He trails off. He needs a moment to get his head back in the game.]

[byjove]

[Hermann frowns, inwardly kicking himself. God, why is he so dense? One of the smartest people in the whole game, and this is what stumps him. But Newt's reaction is clear. He's made a mistake.]

Don't apologize. I think you misunderstand. It's not that I think we shouldn't, or we can't, it's just... That I don't want this to be the only reason. I don't want this to matter in a moment of panic and then... What if we do remember? After we return home?

[He shifts, uncomfortable.]

Will it still matter? In the same way?

[Ugh. This is the worst.]

What did you... want to tell me?

[completelycrazy]

[...What? Newt has never been more lost. His emotions can't handle this amount of whiplash. He stares at Hermann for a moment, frowning and confused.

He gives up on trying to make sense of what he's feeling and instead reverts back to what he does best: Autopilot.]

Of course it will still matter, you idiot! I didn't--This isn't some--some spur of the moment thing! It's not last week all over again! I happen to be pretty damned optimistic about our chances of winning this, for the record!

[Yelling is safer.]

Do you... not want to remember, or something? I sure as hell do. I've been operating under the assumption that we will, present moment included. But if we're not going to remember, then... Shit, Hermann, we don't have anything to lose. We have, like, two more days here. We may as well--

[But either they forget it all and start from square one, or Hermann finds out what Newt has done and they're... at some new square that Newt isn't ready to deal with. These options are garbage. Why did he have to go and do that? He's never going to forgive himself.]

It'll be different when we go home. Not... Not because of us, I guess, but just, um, different. Why not ride this high, you know?

[byjove]

[Welcome to attempting to court this clueless asshole, Newt. Thankfully, he at least has the presence of mind not to rise to the shouting match. He knows he's somewhat invited this, in any case.]

I do want to remember, of course I do. Otherwise, what was the point?

[I don' know if I do now. I don't know if you know, either. But Newt does know. Newt is sure. He thinks they're going to win, and, if he's being honest with himself, Hermann does, too. So if they do get to remember, why not start here? Why not at least try?]

If... if you're sure about this, then so am I.

[Does he sound sure? He hopes so.]

I just- [Don't want to be disappointed again? Don't want to build this up to something in his head again, only to have it come crashing down? But this time it's different. He knows Newt already. He's not some anonymous face across the internet, through the mail. He's the man he's worked with for five years. The person he's Drifted with, murdered with, seen this horrible game through to the end with. The person he trusts more than anyone, in this world or the last.

This is the right way to do this. Starting over. Something new. Something kind of new.]

I'm just not very good at this sort of thing, I suppose. You'll have to forgive me, this is all just- [scary] -it's not something I'm used to. [What? Having people interested in him? Genuinely? As a person? As more than friends?] But you already know that, how it is.

[He gestures uselessly.]

I- [This is maybe the hardest thing he has ever said.] I don't think I really let it go, Newt. I think I only told myself I did.

[completelycrazy]

[Newt pulls off his glasses to scrub his hands over his face. This should feel better than it does.

For a split second, his heart swells. It really wasn't a rejection, then. Just Hermann being overly cautious, one of the things he does best, one of the things that so dramatically clashes with Newt's entire being... That will take some getting used to if they really are going to pursue this.

And, well. They are, aren't they? That's what they're talking about. Holy shit. Despite Hermann's insistence on approaching this less impulsively, Newt hasn't thought much about what this will mean for the future. Maybe because that future is still fragile. Thinking about it hurts. It's more like a daydream now, something he wants but will never happen.

It's that realization that crushes him. He wants more than anything to just be happy in this moment, however fleeting it is. He's still going to tell Hermann, he is, but... He wants the glimpse, even if it will just make all of this that much more painful in a few minutes.]

Yeah, I... Me too. [No, that's lame. Try again.] It's... It wouldn't have stuck with me for all these years if it had just, you know, dissolved into nothing.

[He gives Hermann a one-shouldered shrug, and laughs.]

I'm not impulsive. Or--I mean I am, but not that impulsive. I wouldn't... I meant everything I said on the recording, and maybe it only came out because of, um, circumstances, but that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking it for... God, I don't know how long? Like, it's--I'm not good at this either? I don't know how to talk about, um, this stuff. And that's what's weird! Like, talking is never hard for me. It's never... I just say stuff, y'know? It works out.

[So why has every one of their conversations since their trial felt like pulling teeth? Why is talking to Hermann suddenly so damned difficult? They're supposed to be moving forward. Even rambling into the tape recorder was hard. Easier than talking to Hermann face to face, but still! That shouldn't be hard!

He huffs out a breath and puts his glasses back on. Okay, new strategy. He needs to get out of his head. Just start talking. Not yelling, though. Just talking.]

I, um... I'm scared, I guess. Because this is uncharted territory and all, yeah, but... [He pauses.] I'm gonna mess this up, you know? We've gotten this far, maybe, but look at how hard we had to work, and... And we're still--I'm--It's like, if we make one false move we could wind up right back at the beginning. I don't... I don't want to fight with you anymore, okay? But it just happens, and I don't know why we're always on the same page except, like, now.

[He sighs. He's not even sure what he's getting at. He's just wasting more of their time.]

I don't know what I'm saying. Just, um... No one knows me better than you do, especially after all this, especially after Drifting, and it freaks me out, I guess. I, uh, I care about you, y'know? And I don't want to hurt you, I don't, but--

[He starts to say it and then he can't stop and he wishes he could reach into the air and scoop them all back before Hermann processes them. Not yet.]

I did something. I tried to undo it, but Max said it was too late because we'd already killed him.