week 6 - hermann - friday post-investigation(?)

[completelycrazy]

[Hm. Well, this "judgment day" thing has Newt a little rattled. It's probably a good thing, isn't it? He's pretty sure they've won this... If not collectively, then at least he and Hermann should be in the clear. Right?

"Pretty sure" isn't sure enough to calm him down, it turns out.

Not too long after the investigation ends, Newt catches Hermann's eye and nods back toward the sewers. He wishes they had better options for meeting spots, but, well. This is it.

He leads Hermann all the way back to the beginning of the little tunnel, into the station underpass with all the flower graffiti. At least it's cleaner over here? And away from eavesdroppers, which is the most important part.

He sticks to Germann, anyway. Just in case.]

You met with the Conductor?

[but i'm not italicizing this entire pc so just pretend]

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[completelycrazy]

[Newt pulls off his glasses to scrub his hands over his face. This should feel better than it does.

For a split second, his heart swells. It really wasn't a rejection, then. Just Hermann being overly cautious, one of the things he does best, one of the things that so dramatically clashes with Newt's entire being... That will take some getting used to if they really are going to pursue this.

And, well. They are, aren't they? That's what they're talking about. Holy shit. Despite Hermann's insistence on approaching this less impulsively, Newt hasn't thought much about what this will mean for the future. Maybe because that future is still fragile. Thinking about it hurts. It's more like a daydream now, something he wants but will never happen.

It's that realization that crushes him. He wants more than anything to just be happy in this moment, however fleeting it is. He's still going to tell Hermann, he is, but... He wants the glimpse, even if it will just make all of this that much more painful in a few minutes.]

Yeah, I... Me too. [No, that's lame. Try again.] It's... It wouldn't have stuck with me for all these years if it had just, you know, dissolved into nothing.

[He gives Hermann a one-shouldered shrug, and laughs.]

I'm not impulsive. Or--I mean I am, but not that impulsive. I wouldn't... I meant everything I said on the recording, and maybe it only came out because of, um, circumstances, but that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking it for... God, I don't know how long? Like, it's--I'm not good at this either? I don't know how to talk about, um, this stuff. And that's what's weird! Like, talking is never hard for me. It's never... I just say stuff, y'know? It works out.

[So why has every one of their conversations since their trial felt like pulling teeth? Why is talking to Hermann suddenly so damned difficult? They're supposed to be moving forward. Even rambling into the tape recorder was hard. Easier than talking to Hermann face to face, but still! That shouldn't be hard!

He huffs out a breath and puts his glasses back on. Okay, new strategy. He needs to get out of his head. Just start talking. Not yelling, though. Just talking.]

I, um... I'm scared, I guess. Because this is uncharted territory and all, yeah, but... [He pauses.] I'm gonna mess this up, you know? We've gotten this far, maybe, but look at how hard we had to work, and... And we're still--I'm--It's like, if we make one false move we could wind up right back at the beginning. I don't... I don't want to fight with you anymore, okay? But it just happens, and I don't know why we're always on the same page except, like, now.

[He sighs. He's not even sure what he's getting at. He's just wasting more of their time.]

I don't know what I'm saying. Just, um... No one knows me better than you do, especially after all this, especially after Drifting, and it freaks me out, I guess. I, uh, I care about you, y'know? And I don't want to hurt you, I don't, but--

[He starts to say it and then he can't stop and he wishes he could reach into the air and scoop them all back before Hermann processes them. Not yet.]

I did something. I tried to undo it, but Max said it was too late because we'd already killed him.