Dr. Newton Geiszler (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
completelycrazy) wrote2018-04-10 11:21 pm
completelycrazy) wrote2018-04-10 11:21 pm
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week 5 - hermann - thursday night
[Newt's cutting it close. There's only about an hour left before curfew, but he's been waffling on this all day and Hermann is proving trickier to find than expected. What if Newt isn't able to find him before curfew hits? Shit.
But eventually Newt does find him hiding out in a parked car. Jesus, Hermann. Newt hesitates, considering abandoning this idea altogether when he actually sees his partner... But then he heads over and taps on the window. It's now or never, maybe.]
But eventually Newt does find him hiding out in a parked car. Jesus, Hermann. Newt hesitates, considering abandoning this idea altogether when he actually sees his partner... But then he heads over and taps on the window. It's now or never, maybe.]
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I... thought the same, to be honest. [He'll leave it at that.] And maybe we are capable of, well, I don't know what. Not being at each other's throats at all times? Not constantly avoiding the topic that we've never really forgotten?
[Another vague hand gesture.]
I don't know how much time we have left. [And honestly, asking him that question is discrimination,] But I'm not going to get lazy, and I'm not going to miss you.
[Harsh, Hermann. Oh wait-]
Because you're not going anywhere. And if you do, I'll just- I'll have to make sure you make it back with me anyway. Whatever else happens, we started this together, and we should end it that way.
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[So much for "not being at each other's throats" but he has no one else to be mad at. That's the problem, honestly. He's feeling too many things and he doesn't know where to put it all. He can't just leash it. It has to go somewhere, so he's back to pummeling Hermann for no real reason other than that he's here and he's familiar. It's almost like things are back to normal again.
Except, no. Normal wasn't all that good. That's what he's here to change, isn't it? Why bother tracking Hermann down with--god how much time do they have left?--if he was just looking to return to the status quo? We don't even like each other.]
Why... can't we just go back? I want to go back to how things were, um, before we met. Redo everything.
[He brushes his sleeve over his eyes, but it doesn't do much good. God, this all feels so stupid.] I've--I've never felt... I don't know, I just... What happened? We're sitting here talking about it and I still don't--I don't get it. I don't get it! We threw that away for nothing! We did that! We made that choice for some--because it was too hard! That's idiotic, Hermann. What the hell were we thinking?
[He moves to wipe his eyes again, but he knocks his glasses off. They clatter against the blacktop. He leaves them. It doesn't matter, anyway. None of this matters. He buries his face in his hands and takes a few moments to just let himself cry. It would be embarrassing, but he's already careened well beyond embarrassing at this point in their conversation.
He forces himself to get it together before the silence hangs too heavy.
Sort of.]
You were right. Dammit, you were right. Of course you were. We can talk about this all we want but it's not going to make any difference. I die tonight or I die in a week or two weeks or whatever, and that's it. There's no reversing anything. We dug that grave and just kept right on digging, you know? I was stupid to think we could just... I don't know. Come out the other side.
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This. This is what happened, Newt! This right now! The two of us arguing when in reality we almost agree!
[He stops shouting and takes a deep breath. He had plenty of practice not losing his cool with Monika, he just needs some more of that zen right now. Hah. His voice is still raised, has a raw edge to it.]
I wasn't right, you idiot. I said those things because I needed the distance. It's hard caring about people when you think you're going to watch them die.
[Oh, whoops. Too much. Dial it back now, Hermann.]
I don't know what we were thinking. We were younger, and more impulsive- [well okay one of us was more impulsive at the time-] and- and none of that matters now. You're right, we can't go back and change it, redo everything. But that doesn't mean we can't move forward.
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[He's starting to panic--well, far from starting--so he reassures himself with the thought of the tape recorder. He dropped it in the car before he stormed off, he's sure he did. Hermann will find it. He's thorough. He'll find it in the morning before the investigation starts, and he can delete the evidence if he wants to.
It's not the ideal, but it's better than nothing, at least. Plan B. A failsafe.]
Sure, maybe we had time, but we keep banking on that. We--we keep assuming we'll live through to the next week. Now, this is just... This is it. This is where we're leaving off. Like, okay, maybe not, though the odds are--whatever, I doubt we have time to get into that crap right now. It's just--just... [He swallows.]
Before curfew hits, y'know, we should make sure... we've said everything we wanted to say.
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But Newt's panicking. It's useless. Arguing with him will just shave off even more time.]
Fine.
[He sighs. His eyes drift sideways again.]
I'm sorry. I wish we hadn't ended things like we did. I wish we hadn't both been stupid. I wish I hadn't been stupid. I wish things had stayed the way they were in the letters, in the emails.
[At this point, he almost hopes he does get murdered.]
In the last five years... I wish I'd said something. I wish I'd done something.
[He cuts himself off. That's... maybe that's enough.]
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Hermann will just have to find out in the morning.]
Yeah, um, me too. [He wishes he could just leave it at that. Putting all of this into words is difficult, much more difficult than it should be. Maybe he should take Hermann's cue and do something instead.] Me too. I'm sorry. For--for everything, you know? I'd do a lot of things differently if I could. Not just... Back home, yeah, but here, too.
[Newt should tell him. It's the thing to do if he really wants to make amends, or whatever you'd call this. If Hermann is going to have to play this thing alone from here on out, he should at least know what's at stake. If only for the sake of logistics.
But... It's too late. He's not sure how much time they have left, but he knows it isn't enough to deal with the fallout from some eleventh hour confession. Should he have included it on the tape recorder? ...Maybe. But. But.]
I just, um. I didn't want to die thinking you hated me. Or with you thinking I hated you, or... anything like that.
[He shrugs, wipes his eyes again. Picks up his glasses. And... That's it. He can't bring himself to tell Hermann about the message to Pentecost, ergo he doesn't deserve anything more than this. He'll make that concession, at least.]
I should get going.
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He watches Newt pick up his glasses and then shifts a little.]
I don't hate you, Newt. I never did.
[Just. Clearing that up.]
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[You will.
If you ever find out.]
Same to you, buddy. [At least he has the decency to cringe at himself for that one.] I'll, uh, see you around, I guess.
[He hesitates for another second, studying Hermann's face carefully, but then heads off to find a quiet corner to drop himself in.]
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He runs a hand through his hair and retreats back to the car he's been using as a home base.]
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