You can't know that! [He snaps it before he can stop himself, his voice breaking.] You don't have anymore control over that than I do!
[So much for "not being at each other's throats" but he has no one else to be mad at. That's the problem, honestly. He's feeling too many things and he doesn't know where to put it all. He can't just leash it. It has to go somewhere, so he's back to pummeling Hermann for no real reason other than that he's here and he's familiar. It's almost like things are back to normal again.
Except, no. Normal wasn't all that good. That's what he's here to change, isn't it? Why bother tracking Hermann down with--god how much time do they have left?--if he was just looking to return to the status quo? We don't even like each other.]
Why... can't we just go back? I want to go back to how things were, um, before we met. Redo everything.
[He brushes his sleeve over his eyes, but it doesn't do much good. God, this all feels so stupid.] I've--I've never felt... I don't know, I just... What happened? We're sitting here talking about it and I still don't--I don't get it. I don't get it! We threw that away for nothing! We did that! We made that choice for some--because it was too hard! That's idiotic, Hermann. What the hell were we thinking?
[He moves to wipe his eyes again, but he knocks his glasses off. They clatter against the blacktop. He leaves them. It doesn't matter, anyway. None of this matters. He buries his face in his hands and takes a few moments to just let himself cry. It would be embarrassing, but he's already careened well beyond embarrassing at this point in their conversation.
He forces himself to get it together before the silence hangs too heavy.
Sort of.]
You were right. Dammit, you were right. Of course you were. We can talk about this all we want but it's not going to make any difference. I die tonight or I die in a week or two weeks or whatever, and that's it. There's no reversing anything. We dug that grave and just kept right on digging, you know? I was stupid to think we could just... I don't know. Come out the other side.
no subject
[So much for "not being at each other's throats" but he has no one else to be mad at. That's the problem, honestly. He's feeling too many things and he doesn't know where to put it all. He can't just leash it. It has to go somewhere, so he's back to pummeling Hermann for no real reason other than that he's here and he's familiar. It's almost like things are back to normal again.
Except, no. Normal wasn't all that good. That's what he's here to change, isn't it? Why bother tracking Hermann down with--god how much time do they have left?--if he was just looking to return to the status quo? We don't even like each other.]
Why... can't we just go back? I want to go back to how things were, um, before we met. Redo everything.
[He brushes his sleeve over his eyes, but it doesn't do much good. God, this all feels so stupid.] I've--I've never felt... I don't know, I just... What happened? We're sitting here talking about it and I still don't--I don't get it. I don't get it! We threw that away for nothing! We did that! We made that choice for some--because it was too hard! That's idiotic, Hermann. What the hell were we thinking?
[He moves to wipe his eyes again, but he knocks his glasses off. They clatter against the blacktop. He leaves them. It doesn't matter, anyway. None of this matters. He buries his face in his hands and takes a few moments to just let himself cry. It would be embarrassing, but he's already careened well beyond embarrassing at this point in their conversation.
He forces himself to get it together before the silence hangs too heavy.
Sort of.]
You were right. Dammit, you were right. Of course you were. We can talk about this all we want but it's not going to make any difference. I die tonight or I die in a week or two weeks or whatever, and that's it. There's no reversing anything. We dug that grave and just kept right on digging, you know? I was stupid to think we could just... I don't know. Come out the other side.